Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?