Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.