Will Rogers

There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space.

Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Things will get better - despite our efforts to improve them.

A holding company is the people you give your money to while you're being searched.

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Common sense is not common

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money.

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.

The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation. I never yet talked to the man who wanted to save time who could tell me what he was going to do with the time he saved.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to some one else.

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

We have the best Congress money can buy.

I don't make jokes--I just watch the government and report the facts.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There is good news from Washington today. Congress is deadlocked and can't act.

Thank goodness we're not getting all of the government that we're paying for"

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

For there is nothing as stupid as an educated man if you get off the thing that he was educated in.