Lily Tomlin

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

What's reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying - but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?