Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.