Julius Henry (Groucho) , Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Blood's not thicker than money. - from Double Dynamite

Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. - from Animal Crackers

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. - from A Day at the Races

I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Go, and never darken my towels again. - from Duck Soup

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. - from Monkey Business

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Oh are you from Wales ? Do you know a fella named Jonah ? He used to live in whales for a while.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy -- and I bet he was glad to get rid of it

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Gdyby wszyscy politycy mówili jedynie o sprawach, na których się znają, byłoby o wiele ciszej na świecie.

What Has Posterity Ever Done for Us?