Ambrose Bierce

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.

Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. - Ambrose Bierce The Devils Dictionary Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Comfort, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

Consult, v. t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.

Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose fault vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

Delusion, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquantance the folly that we have already embraced.

Faith, n. the belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.

Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Hearse, n. Death's baby-carriage.

History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.

Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Impartial, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

Logomachy, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds puntures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem-a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.

Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species...

Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce".

Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof-an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them." "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something -the mortality of the optimist."

Painting, v. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Pantheism, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.

Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly worthless.

Preference, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

Sophistry, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling.

Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.

The pig is taught by sermons and epistles, / To think the god of swine has snout and bristles.

An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked by a disiple why, then, he did not die "Because," he replied, "death is no better than life". It is longer.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.”

Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker.

Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly.

Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum

Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed.

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...

Mitologia, rz. Zbiór wierzeń prymitywnych ludów dotyczących uch pochodzenia, wczesnej historii, bohaterów, bóstw i tak dalej, w odróżnieniu od prawdziwych relacji, które później wymyśla.

Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.

Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Once, adv.: Enough.

Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.

Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief.

Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.

Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.

Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate.

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Dokonanie: koniec wysiłku, początek rozczarowania.

Absurd: przekonanie sprzeczne z twoimi poglądami.

Malarstwo: przedstawianie w dwóch wymiarach rzeczy zupełnie nieciekawych nawet w trzech.

Wariat: człowiek cierpiący na dużą niezależność intelektualną.

Cynik to facet, który przez obserwację widzi rzeczy takimi, jakie są, a nie jakimi być powinny.

Nudziarz to ktoś, kto gada wtedy, gdy chcielibyśmy, żeby nas słuchano.

Małżeństwo to wspólnota złożona z władcy, władczyni oraz dwóch niewolników,

co czyni razem dwie osoby.

Nieludzkość - najbardziej charakterystyczna cecha człowieka.

Wyborca: ktoś, kto cieszy się ze świętego przywileju prawa oddania swojego głosu na kogoś, kogo ktoś inny dla niego wybrał.

Pokój: w polityce międzynarodowej, okres oszustw między wojnami.

Przeznaczenie jest wymówką głupca w chwili klęski.

Nepotism: Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Duchowny: Człowiek, który podejmuje się zarządzania naszymi sprawami duchowymi jako metody poprawy swoich spraw doczesnych.

Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

Plan: To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.