Woody Allen

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.

To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes ...

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The only thing I regret is that I'm not somebody else.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

The structure of the joke is . . . the juxtaposition of the trivial and the mundane . . . We have to reconcile the paradox of it all. The joke mirrors that paradox.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I knew a Southern bigot who was a bed wetter. He used to go to his Klan meetings in rubber sheets.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend.

Don't knock masturbation - its sex with someone I love.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time. (from Side Effects)

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. (from Without Feathers)

I am at two with nature.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. (from Without Feathers)

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Posiadanie pieniędzy jest lepsze niż nędza, z powodów czysto finansowych.