W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to live on but food and water.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.