George Carlin

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.

You have 24 odds & ends on a table, and 23 are knocked off. What is left on the table? An odd or an end?

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.